Values… What Do They Really Mean?

Kind. Honest. Respectful. Trustworthy. Words we use with children all the time. But what do they actually mean to them?

When I explore values with adults as well as children, I often find that this is a surprisingly difficult question for them to answer. When I ask children about values, they will frequently tell me their school values. Some will even start talking to me about values in maths! They can often name their school values confidently and may even be able to explain what the school says those values mean.

But when I ask, “What does that mean to you?” or “Why is that important to you?” it can become much harder to explain. And I think that is an important distinction.

Are Values Understood — or Simply Followed?

We tell children to be kind, honest, respectful and trustworthy. But do we spend enough time helping them understand why?

If a child is kind simply because they have been told that being kind is “good”, has kindness become one of their values — or is it still a rule they are following? And what happens when that value is challenged?

Being honest is fairly easy when telling the truth has no consequences. But what about when telling the truth might get you into trouble? Being kind can feel easy when someone is kind to you. But what happens when someone isn't? Being trustworthy sounds straightforward until keeping somebody's confidence conflicts with telling an adult something important.

This is where simply knowing the word isn't enough. Children need opportunities to explore what their values actually mean to them and how those values influence their choices, behaviours and relationships.

Building a Child's Moral Compass

Values form part of the foundation of a child's developing moral compass. But that foundation isn't built simply by giving children a list of values we believe they should have. It develops through conversations, experiences, mistakes, reflection and understanding.

If your child is already behaving in a way that fits with the values you hope to nurture, do you ever stop and explore it with them? Not simply, “That was really kind,” but perhaps, “What made you decide to do that?” “How do you think that made the other person feel?” “Why was it important to you to help?” or “How did you feel afterwards?”

These conversations help a child move beyond “I know I should be kind” towards understanding what kindness means to them and why it matters. That deeper understanding is important because, as children grow, we won't always be there to tell them which choice to make. We want them to begin making those decisions for themselves.

What About When They Get It Wrong?

We naturally notice behaviours we don't want to see. Sometimes we challenge them. Sometimes, if we're tired, busy or simply choosing our battles, perhaps we don't! But when we do address behaviour, there's a big difference between telling a child “That was wrong” and helping them understand why it was wrong.

If we simply tell a child they behaved badly without helping them understand the impact of their behaviour, how do they learn what to do differently next time?

Consequences may stop a behaviour in that moment. Understanding gives a child something they can carry into the next situation.

And this is where our role as parents changes as our children grow.

Teacher → Coach → Mentor

I believe that throughout childhood we move between three incredibly important roles: Teacher. Coach. Mentor.

In the early years, we are predominantly their teacher. We educate, demonstrate, explain and model. We give them the skills and foundations they need to begin understanding themselves, other people and the world around them.

As children grow, particularly as they move towards and through their teenage years, that relationship begins to change. We gradually become more of a coach. Rather than always giving the answer, we listen. We become curious, ask questions and encourage them to think about what happened, what they believe, what matters to them and what they might do differently. We allow them to spread their wings.

Sometimes they will make wonderful choices. Sometimes they will get it spectacularly wrong! Our job isn't to prevent every fall. It is to help them develop the confidence, understanding and resilience to learn from those falls and get back up again. That's hard – I know!

Eventually, our role moves increasingly towards that of a mentor. A trusted guide. Someone they can come to for perspective and wisdom without necessarily expecting us to make the decision for them.

Because ultimately, we aren't trying to create adults who need us to tell them what is right. We are trying to raise adults who have developed a strong enough understanding of who they are, what matters to them and what they stand for that they can make those decisions for themselves.

It Starts Much Earlier Than We Think

That doesn't suddenly happen when a child becomes a teenager or reaches adulthood. The foundations are laid throughout their formative years — in the conversations we have, the behaviours we model, the questions we ask and the mistakes we allow them to learn from.

And in the moments when we take a little more time to explain the why, rather than simply giving them the rule.

Perhaps one of the most valuable questions we can ask a child isn't, “Do you know what it means to be kind, honest or respectful?”

It is: “What does being kind, honest or respectful mean to YOU?”

Then listen.

Their answer might tell you far more about the person they are becoming than simply knowing whether they can follow the rules.

Values aren't just words we teach our children. They are foundations we help them understand, explore and eventually make their own.